Guest post by Jess Hopp
Many people in their career are pressured to believe they need to reach monetary milestones in order to achieve success. Perhaps it is making a certain amount of money each year, owning a specific car, or achieving a title at work. However, would you guess true confidence and positive self-esteem do not automatically come with the pay increase and title at work?
As Amy Cuddy points out in her book “Presence,” true confidence stems from real love and leads to long term commitment to growth. False confidence on the other hand, comes from desperate passion and leads to dysfunctional relationships, disappointment, and frustration. Having true confidence and positive self-esteem are both highly positive traits but not all individuals are truly confident.
So, with that job promotion and the title bump, you might be radiating confidence for a hot second, but then reality sets in quickly. Your CONFIDENCE is showing. BUT is it true confidence?
Cuddy goes on to say that true belief in oneself, in ones ideas is grounding. It defuses threat.
How do we know if we have true confidence? Below is a list of core values a truly confident person would possess.
I challenge you to take time today and jot down numbers 1-5 on a sheet of paper. After each number, write the core value and how you are working toward building your truly confident self. If it is blank, that is okay! Write down how you would approach a situation in the future with a true confidence mindset.
Jess Hopp is the founder of Career Love Collective, an organization with a single mission to empower all women to be their best self and reach their fullest potential offering customized professional development services. In the "Confident You" program, you receive a tailored plan that works best for you. This excerpt was taken from an archived posting of #askjess.
You know how helpful it can be to grow your professional network. The majority of jobs out there are unpublished, and the people in your network may be the key to your learning about amazing opportunities. Another powerful benefit of networking is to reassure you that you're heading in the right direction.
You probably have some kind of goal in mind for your career (and if not, let me know and we'll work on your career strategy). But, what if your perfect vision of that future isn't realistic? What if your dream is more like a restless night's sleep? The best way to confirm that what you think your want is what you actually want is to talk to people who are already there.
This step of doing information interviews is a powerful tool. It confirms your plans, grows your network of people in your field of interest, and you can give you invaluable advice and insights.
Despite the benefits, I'm often hearing from clients who are uncomfortable at the thought of reaching out to people they don't know. I totally get it! It's scary to go up to someone you don't know and ask for something. But, if you follow the principles of curiosity, connection and care you'll discover it doesn't need to be painful.
Identify some people who are already in your dream job, have expertise that you want to build up, work at a company you are interested in, made a similar career transition to one you are planning, or who have already done something that you are aspiring to. Then, reach out to them and ask for 20 minutes of their time. Your goal is to have a brief phone call or in-person chat.
How do you do this? What do you say to them in your introductory email? Here’s a sample email that shows the points to hit when you are contacting folks:
You recently spoke to the University of Statesville alumni chapter about social media marketing and I truly enjoyed your perspective.
I’m a marketing manager at Company X, and have been working in the publishing industry for 3 years. My goal is to transition from marketing into social media management, and I’d love the chance to learn more about your career.
Could we schedule a 20-minute informational phone call where we'll chat about your background and current job? This short discussion would be invaluable to me as plan and pursue my career.
Thank you for considering it,
You have nothing to lose. Sure, some people may not respond or may say no. But, others will say yes. I issue you this challenge. Think about what it is you are interested in. What is your dream job or even dream company? Then, think about what skills or expertise you need to have to get there.
Find at least eight people to contact who are in that field, at that company, or have the expertise you want to build. Reach out to them and see what happens. The more of these you do, the easier they will get and the stronger your connections will be.
Rather wait in a long line at the Department of Motor Vehicles than network? Does the thought of networking make you involuntarily groan? You aren’t alone!
I was just talking to a client who’s in the midst of a career transition and wanting to expand her network. Yet, she dreads the idea of connecting with people she doesn’t know. She also feels like networking is smarmy and manipulative. She asked, “How can an interaction with someone turn into a job offer without being exploitive?”
Even though networking is a career-booster, it’s hard to break through the fear. You can do it, though, and will likely find it invaluable. A recent study from LinkedIn reported that 70 percent of people in 2016 were hired at a company where they had a connection. This number will likely continue to go up in our increasingly interconnected world.
It’s important to reframe your thoughts about networking. You don’t need to transform yourself into a used car salesman to make a deal and you aren’t in it to exploit anyone! Stop thinking of networking as trying to get a job. Your goal is to get to know people and build relationships. It goes both ways. While meeting and learning from others, you also are expanding their network and sharing your unique perspective with them.
I've found the key to successful networking is to approach it with the 3 C's: Curiosity, Connection, and Care.
When you are curious about the person you're talking to, networking stops being about you. You want to learn about whomever it is that you are speaking with. Asking genuine questions breaks down any feelings of networking “smarminess.” Most people enjoy talking about themselves and would be happy to share information about their career path. They can pass along lessons learned and give you invaluable advice.
Finding commonalities between you and the other person will put you both at ease and can help form a relationship. You may find that you both went to the same school, have a similar background, have shared interests, or are in the same LinkedIn groups. When you reach out to people, it is extremely helpful if you can mention something you have in common. It is a great way to introduce yourself, and will help with the conversation. Also, it is very powerful to reach out to people by commenting and following up on article, video, presentation, blog, Instagram post, or something else they have created or shared. By doing this, you are showing an interest in their perspective and also demonstrating common ground.
Just as you would be concerned for a friend's well-being, you should show the same concern for those in your network. Treat each person as you would a friend. Don't put them in a position to feel used or bad about the exchange. Be polite and thankful.
Putting these 3 C’s together can transform your networking experience. In the future, I’ll write more about finding people to connect with, how to contact them, what to do during the chat, and how to follow-up. Anything else you want me to cover? Also, let me know how networking has worked (or not worked) for you.
“… if you want to get all the way there, that means [understanding] what are the receptors in a 12-year-old versus a 20-year-old versus a 50- or 80-year old. If the person grew up in a city versus the suburbs or in the countryside, if they’re foreign, if they grew up wealthy, struggling—all of this will feed the demographics of your audience.”We’ve all heard it before. Know your audience! But, how does that work in everyday conversations? How can you do this when you are talking with your boss, coworker, or clients?
Happy summer. I hope you all are enjoying the sunshine, popsicles, beach, pool, or whatever fun things that summer means to you. Top of the list, of course, is vacation! The summer months can become a game of “who’s in the office” and “can you cover for me while I’m out” requests to and from coworkers.
Most likely, one of the people who is going to take time away is your boss. He or she may be out of the office for a decent chunk of time…perhaps ten days or even more. This presents you with a great opportunity. No, I’m not advising a “when the cat’s away, the mice will play” mentality. Although, if your boss’ absence gives you any sort of breathing room, I strongly advise you make the most of it. This might mean taking stock of any outstanding projects, getting caught up on those lingering to do’s that have turned into to don’ts, cleaning up your email, creating systems to help you stay organized, or other wild and crazy things. I know, I know. I should really get out more.
Here’s a suggestion I have for you if your manager is on vacation for more than four days. Write up a summary with a high-level overview of key events or occurrences in that time period. This can take many different forms, all dependent on what makes sense for your boss and your office. It could be simply a bulleted email saying something like, “Welcome back. Here’s an update of some key things I thought you would want to know about.” Then, you can include what you think would be important to your boss. For example, your list might include, “We did not receive any comments on the Project x report” and “The regular update of the invoicing system went well.” Or, perhaps “We’ve made progress on gathering feedback about the pilot study and have received 35% of the surveys” or “I took a call from Mr. Brown who had concerns about the software. It escalated to a call with Pete and the problem was corrected.”
You can provide an update regardless of the type of industry you are in. Just think “What will my boss want to know?” How you present this to your boss is also a matter of preference and opinion. If you know she lives by email, then by all means send an email with clear subject line and list what you think she’ll want to know. Or, perhaps it is appropriate to save it for a meeting or even a ‘drop in’ to the office. It is extremely comforting for your manager to hear you say “I know you are still digging out, but here is a list of some highlights of what happened while you were out. I’ll leave this here for you to review when you’re able. Just holler if you have any questions.” If you are in a very formal, paper-centric place, you might even leave a print out in an inbox along with the pile of mail or whatever else your boss will be reviewing.
When you provide this overview for your boss, you are reinforcing that you can be trusted and also that you want to keep your boss in the loop. This is the type of action that really gets noticed. Make the most of your boss’ vacation time to show your work super powers. It’s all part of managing your manager. Happy summer!
Be aware of her need to feel important. Update her on your work, particularly about anything that is visible to higher ups. She wants to look good. Who doesn’t? Let’s say you have an idea but aren’t sure if she will support you on it. When you present it, you should explain how this idea will help establish your department as a leader in a certain area. Or, basically, how it will make her look good. You should demonstrate how doing this is forward thinking, innovative, financially sound, etc. Also, use phrases like “I wanted to see what you thought about this before I move ahead with it”, or — and this one can be magic — “I want to get your take on this, but I defer to you.” You have to make sure she doesn’t feel that you are threatening her power. Eventually, you will build trust if she knows that you will run things by her first.
With the egocentric, you need to pick your battles. Don’t argue for the sake of arguing! Make a conscious decision about what you want to push back on and what you will let slide. If she suggests something that you don’t agree with, you can question it and strategically “fight back.” Explain how whatever it is that you disagree with will put your department (and more specifically, your boss) at a disadvantage.
This person has to have it done “just so” and genuinely believes that his way is the only way to do things. This was certainly the case with my “That’s not how I would have done it” boss. The perfectionist has a low tolerance for approaches that are different than what he had in mind. Someone that particular about how work is done will literally look over your shoulder and make corrections as you are doing the work. This reluctance for new approaches and fear of having things done in a less tried-and-true approach is debilitating.
The perfectionist needs reassurance that you will follow his directions. I know that you can feel extremely frustrated when your perfectionist boss has an expected outcome in his head, but doesn’t share that with you. He assumes that what he is thinking matches what you will do. Since you are not a mind reader (although, if you can do this, please contact me and share the details), it is important to ask your boss questions that clarify his expectations upfront. When he gives you a task, ask about his desired format and the level of detail he expects. It is particularly helpful to understand what he will do with whatever it is that you complete. Will the information be shared with his boss? Is it background information that he is using for a client meeting? Is he going to insert your draft into another report he is creating? Whatever it is, once you understand the importance of this deliverable to your boss you can determine the level of care and feeding it deserves.
If you think you won’t be able to deliver on a deadline, let your boss know immediately. Nothing ticks the perfectionist off more than someone who doesn’t follow directions or meet deadlines. Also, observe the hot buttons for your boss. I know someone at work who detests the word “leverage” and you’d better believe I avoid using that word in any correspondence.
This boss has someone (or many people) micromanaging her! Since she is being criticized and scrutinized by her boss, clients, users, media, whomever, she is reacting by breathing down your neck. It’s a bad case of dominos and you are suffering because of it. She may be jittery, defensive or downright unpleasant. Of course, the problem is compounded if she is also a perfectionist or egocentric.
Your micromanaged manager needs to know that you support her and that you want to help her and your office address the critics.By turning your radar on, you should be able to get a glimpse of the scrutiny your boss is under. Your observations of your boss’ boss and the overall flow of information, and power, at work will be informative.
As with the Perfectionist, when she gives you an assignment, you want to be sure to understand why your boss needs it and what she will be doing with it. Ask questions like “Would it make things easier for you if I <insert whatever it is>?” For example, “Would it make things easier for you if I drafted the email for your review first?” or “Would it make things easier for you if I added a mockup to the proposal?” She needs to know that you are on her side, and you will be amazed how the dynamic can change once you figure out who she is trying to please and why. Nothing units people like a common enemy. You must position yourself as someone who helps her succeed instead of another critical person who is waiting for her to fail.
Of course, none of us fit into a box. But, the important thing to realize is that most micromanagers are acting that way out of fear and insecurity. Once you understand your boss’ motivations and pressure, you can respond in a way to build trust, relieve them of some of their fear and soon get some control over the micromanaging. Head it off at the pass!
You know how it can feel OK for you to complain about your brother or sister or cousin or friend or whomever, but you get upset and protective if you hear anyone else do it. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but it is certainly a thing! There is an unspoken feeling of having earned the right to be critical by how close you are to the person or situation you are complaining about.
The same is true at work. Beware of falling into a trap where you try to join in a gripe-fest, but manage to upset the people griping.
One of my previous jobs required me to track and document publications and other items gathered from hundreds of different places. It was an attempt at a “library of best practices” from different sources. I was astonished at the low-tech approach for tracking and managing these items. One of my coworkers kept referring to a database they used to track the items. However, when she showed me the database I was stunned since it was actually an Excel spreadsheet. While I could do many cool things with the spreadsheet – I couldn’t quickly do the more advanced things that I would expect to do with a database.
I was new in the position, and trying to get a handle on how I would move forward with this project. My coworker, who was handing off this task to me, kept complaining about what a mess it was. She rattled off a list of complaints and I quickly absorbed her frustration. How could I improve the situation?
Without thinking it through, I joined in the complaining. Then I said the fatal words…”It’s not even a database! It’s a spreadsheet.” Her whole tone changed, and she went off on how the spreadsheet IS a database and how much it helps. Turns out she is the one who created the spreadsheet in the first place. Oops! You’d have thought I insulted her child. In a sense, I did.
It took me a long time to recover from that misstep. She didn’t trust me and felt that I was judging her work.
Beware of criticizing work tools or projects, particularly when you don’t know the whole history. You can suggest ways to improve them or ask about different approaches, but do this carefully and positively! There is a difference between saying “This spreadsheet stinks.” and “It would be awesome if we could do advanced searching and reporting. Can I investigate ways that we could do that?”
As you walk into work each morning, do you think to yourself “Wasn’t I just here yesterday?” Do you get a mean case of grumpy-itis every Sunday night?Do you feel totally unmotivated at work and ask yourself “What am I doing?”
Who hasn’t been there? Of course, if you are completely miserable you should work on a plan to get the heck out and land a new job or a situation that works well for you. BUT, there are things you can do to make your job support you! Short of walking in and quitting without having another job or a plan, here are some things you can do to regain some control over your work and start to make work actually work for you.
It doesn’t take too long to start seeing some patterns. You may already know these things, but don’t assume. There is power in documenting what you see and starting to connect the dots. Once you figure out the patterns, you are understanding what spells success at work and with your boss.
This isn’t easy, but it really works. The burden is on you to connect the dots between what you hate, what you want, and what your office and boss need. You can do it!
I still remember the sting of those words from my boss many years ago when she was reviewing something I put together for her. I stood in her office staring at her grimace while she looked over the paper I handed her. She looked at me and said, “That’s not how I would have done it.” Then, she told me how to redo the work I just spent hours on. She fixated on the formatting of the document I worked on, and I felt that her comments were all super nit-picky.
Of course, we all have to be prepared and willing to take feedback. Plus, it is always easier for someone to give specific feedback as a reaction to something that is already done. Yet in this situation, I was frustrated and demoralized since I felt my boss was making changes just to change them and shape the project in her own image.
I could have avoided this whole situation by asking the right questions up front. When you receive a request to do something from your boss, you should first make sure you understand what she wants. And, even more importantly, understand why she wants it done at all. Treat your boss like your client, and see if you need any more information on the Why, What or How of the request.
What you ask will depend on the project and your boss, but here are a few questions I should have asked my boss to help me manage her micromanage-y, perfectionist tendencies:
My questions would have focused on the how (how should it look and how will it be used) since I already knew she was often concerned about appearance and formatting. The answers to these questions would have warded off the issues that came up later. I could have also said things like “would you like this to look like the memo you did last week?” or thrown out some examples for her to react to.
Also, it would have helped to know that this was an important document to her and that she was going to run it by upper management for final approval. She wants to look good — heck, who doesn’t — and she was going to be darned sure that the document I wrote made her look good to her bosses. Or, at least, she would make sure that the document didn’t make her look bad!
Asking these simple questions who have helped me understand my boss’ motivation and the main requirements she was placing on me. There is no better way to ward off a micromanager than to clarify expectations and also understand what scrutiny they feel they are under.
You can ask these questions in an email, request a meeting with your boss or just ask in passing if the opportunity to do so comes up. Don’t delay in getting clarification.
To make sure that what you think you are supposed to do matches what your boss expects you to do, you can send an email summarizing your discussion and outlining what you are working on. This email lets you confirm that your assumptions are correct and gives you the chance to ask any more questions. For example, in my situation, I could have avoided grief if I wrote my boss saying something like: “I’m writing to follow up on your request for me to draft the email to the board about the recent survey. The document should be 5 pages. It will start with an executive summary and then I’ll break down the research methods, responses, analysis, and main findings. I’ll get it to you by Friday so that you have a chance to review it before you send it to Bill for his final review.”
With that email, I would have clarified my boss’ expectations, made my life easier by avoiding what my boss would have perceived as errors, and also helped to build my relationship with my boss by showing her that I listened and would deliver work she could trust.
If in doubt, ask! If you can manage your boss’ expectations, you will be one step closer to getting control over your job instead of your job (and boss) controlling you.